Lunch In London, Anxiety In Nigeria – Reuben Abati

Lunch in London, anxiety in Nigeria –
Reuben Abati
“What’s gwan inna wa cwantry?”
“What language is that?”
“English of course.”
“Sounds like Creole to me. Why don’t you
just talk straight?”
“Nobody talks straight in this country
“I still talk straight. I can’t start twisting
my tongue because some people have lost
“Okay, I was asking what is going on in
our country?”
“Is that a direct question or a sly
“Just answer the question”
“What I know is that we are now truly, a
country of hyenas, jackals and small
animals. A big animal kingdom, but when
the First Lady Aisha Buhari drew attention
to this, recently, we all started screaming
that she was rather condescending but
right now, with what I am seeing and
hearing, I believe she will be vindicated in
the long run.”
“I see.”
“We, the people are obviously the small
animals. In an animal kingdom, the bigger
animals do what they like with the smaller
ones, and they dare not complain.”
“But you still haven’t answered my
“My friend, why must I always be the one
to tell you what is going on in this country?
When you want to be mischievous, that is
when you ask funny questions. Are we not
in this country together? Don’t you listen
to the news like everyone else? So, why
should I become your newspaper and
internet combined. Stop it. But for just this
last time, I will use my church mind to tell
you that the latest development is
photography as a tool of governance. Some
APC Governors and party leaders just
visited President Muhammadu Buhari in
London. They had lunch with him and took
“I know about that. I actually saw the
photos too. But the whole thing doesn’t
look straight to me.”
“It doesn’t look crooked to me either.
People have been complaining that the
President of Nigeria is missing in action
and they need to know that he is still alive.
So, they provide a photograph of him
having lunch with his party members and
loyalists. How is that a problem for you?
We should be glad that the President is
getting well.”
“Who took the photograph?”
“We are in a digital age. Anybody at all
could have taken the photograph?”
“You can’t just ask anybody to take the
President’s photograph. It is either you
have a media crew on ground, who will
take both still and motion pictures, that is
photos and videos, or you invite the media,
both local and foreign to capture the
“Who says that is the only way to cover a
Presidential occasion?”
“Everything a President does is supposed to
be properly documented.”
“What is your problem? They showed us
the President having lunch with his guests.
And there was another photograph taken
by the guests.”
“Where are the establishment shots, and
the video, and the audio?”
“Those people didn’t go there to establish
anything. They went to do eye-service!”
“You don’t get it. Rather than just show the
President and his guests at the dining
table, they should have shown us the
President welcoming his guests, chatting
with them, and NTA should have shown us
an actual video as part of the nine o’clock
Network News. And what kind of lunch
was that? It looked like they just placed a
bunch of banana in front of the President
and some fruits in front of the guests. I
checked the table carefully; every drink
there is like anything from a Nigerian
fridge. And not even a small stain of oil on
the table.”
“You were looking for stains on the table as
proof that the lunch actually took place?
Did that look like a bukateria to you? Hen?
Obviously, the only thing you are used to is
gbegiri and amala kind of lunch. When big
men eat, they don’t litter and stain their
clothes and the table the way small animals
like you do. And their mouths don’t drop
oil. If that happens, there would be
stewards to clean things up.”
“You are assuming some big men have
table manners. You don’t know anything.
They should show us the video then, and
more useful photographs. And why didn’t
the party leaders travel with the
President’s media team and the Minister of
Information? All these dem say, dem say,
Okorocha told me. All of a sudden
Okorocha has become the Minister of
Information. You think if they asked Alhaji
Lai Mohammed to also come and eat in
London, he will say he is busy?”
“I see your problem is that some people
had lunch with the President.”
“Someone in fact told me that the picture
looks very familiar.”
“You may need to prove that.”
“Okay, Mrs Buhari also went to London to
visit her husband. Where are the
photographs of her own visit? Why didn’t
they show a picture of her sitting with the
“You are a foolish man. You want photos of
the President and his wife, sitting together
in za ozza room? Candidly, tell me you are
asking for photographs from the
Presidential ozza room? You are sick. No
President takes pictures in that other
“Donald Trump will gladly take a picture
anywhere. You don’t get my point”
“I get your point. You are just another
wailing wailer, a merchant of lies and a
mischief-maker. We know your type.”
“I am only trying to help. When you set out
to tackle disinformation, you look out for
pitfalls that can create doubt and you
deliver a sucker-punch to shut people up.
You don’t address an issue by creating
more doubts. I am talking strategy. All of
this would also have been more convincing
if it was the picture of Acting President
Osinbajo having dinner or breakfast with
the President in London that they showed
“The acting President didn’t go to London
to eat. He went for serious business to
consult with his boss. And what if he was
fasting at the time?”
“He could have posed for a photo-op with
his boss.”
“He was in a hurry. He rushed to London
and rushed out to attend Council meeting
on a Wednesday.”
“In a hurry to take a photograph to allay
the anxiety of Nigerians?”
“People like you would still have said the
photograph looked familiar.”
“Nigerians are not convinced. They would
probably have given Mrs. Buhari and the
Acting President the benefit of the doubt
but they won’t believe what an APC
Governor says. Okorocha ke?”.
“Oh ye descendants of Shimei!”
“Shimei? Who is Shimei?”
“You are a Christian and you have never
heard of Shimei?”
“Okay, just continue you hear. Just make
sure you don’t lose your head in the
process. Just because we are in a
democracy, you think you can be
questioning everything. Oh ye descendants
of Shimei in Nigeria, beware…beware!”
“I have an idea.”
“See, I think the government can still score
a master-stroke, if they arrange for Femi
Fani-Kayode and Governor Ayo Fayose to
also go to London and have lunch with the
President. People are likely to believe the
two of them. Fayose will then use his own
mouth to inform Nigerians that he made a
mistake when he said the President was on
life-support and Fani-Kayode will recant
and both of them will apologize.”

“Clap for yourself. I see you truly consider
yourself a political strategist. So if you are
working for President Buhari you will
actually invite those two Yorubas to lunch
with the President while he is on a medical
vacation that is making everyone anxious.”

“Why not? The President is the President of
everybody. He is the President of all
Nigerians not 95%. And if you are
concerned about those two being Yoruba,
we can have a Federal character
representation. They can invite Nnamdi
Kanu from the East and Alhaji Balarabe
Musa from the North. Lunch in London
with Baba, an organized event covered by
the media.”

“Nnamdi Kanu! Did you say Nnamdi Kanu?
Are you on some kind of medication?”
“If the objective is to prove to Nigerians
that the President is not bed-ridden, he
should have lunch with people Nigerians
are likely to believe.”

“So if Fani-Kayode, Fayose and Nnamdi
Kanu return from London and they decide
to say something else, who will bear the
risk? Or they turn down the invitation on
the grounds that it is a calculated attempt
by the Nigerian state to blackmail and
poison them, who will defend the Nigerian

“You are giving the dog a bad name”
“Then it means you know nothing about
“I am not joking. I can even add one more
person to the list, how about the Catholic
priest, Ejike Mbaka who claims he has been
hearing cries falling like rains in Aso

“If Fr. Mbaka saw visions of cries and
rains, he probably saw the floods that are
now ravaging the country from South to
North. But keep adding people. You can
even add Hushpuppi, Maheeda and
Bobrisky. But I bet you will also be the first
to complain that they are using Nigerian
or-yer-l money to have lunch in London.”

“In that case, let them just do a London
edition of the Presidential Media Chat.”
“Nobody is going to do any media chat.
Nigerians must learn to trust their
government for once. When you go into
government, people treat you anyhow.”

“It is our government. We have the right to
ask questions. You can’t keep rejecting
everything that I suggest. Okay, let the
Nigerian High Commission in London
organize a Town Hall meeting between
President Buhari and Nigerians in the UK.
That is a cost-effective way of correcting
impressions. Nigerians want to be sure that
their President is well, alive and fit. This
thing is not rocket science and I trust our
brothers and sisters in diaspora to report
the truth. ”
“You want to sabotage the President. You
want him to interact with PDP members in

“I never mentioned PDP. There are APC
members in the UK too and there are
persons who have no political affiliation.
Anyway, when is Baba coming back?”
“When his doctors say so or according to
Governor Okorocha, in two weeks‘ time.”
“But the Constitution is very clear. It

“Forget about the Constitution. This is
national politics, stability and security. We
don’t care what the Constitution says. Be
careful, when Baba returns Insha Allah,
something will definitely be done about all
you hyenas, jackals and small, small
animals disturbing this government. Insha

“Stop bragging. There should be room in
this your kingdom for all animals please.
Nobody should intimidate anybody. That is
why I am happy that the House of
Representatives is now considering the Not-
Too-Young-To-Run Bill. They have reduced
the minimum age for eligibility for the
office of President to 35.”
“Thirty-five. I don’t have a problem with

“You shouldn’t. The only problem is that
you are a fascist. But there should be other
bills: a Too-Old-To-Run bill that will
prevent Aso Rock from being turned into
an Old People’s Home and a bill that says
the minimum qualification for anybody
seeking any office, from councilor to
President should be a university degree or
its equivalent.”
“What has a university degree got to do
with politics and governance?”

“Some of the worst people in this country
are university graduates. So?”
“You just keep disagreeing with everything.
Okay, are you aware that some people are
now saying Nigeria is now definitely on

“Nigeria is not on auto-pilot. Professor
Osinbajo is in charge and all of you
wishing us evil, just know that there will
be serious consequences.”
“What consequences? Threats. Threats.
Threats. Government cannot continue to
threaten the people. It is just so sad that
civil society and the Nigerian media have
been badly compromised. Where are the
intellectuals of old, the professional
activists, the pro-democracy coalition; they
are all so quiet.

I believe they are quiet out
of shame and regret.”
“Nobody is ashamed. That is strategy. I am
surprised you can’t even identify strategy.
You think this government will wait and
fold its arms and allow all of you to start
sounding like paid enemies?”
“You and your people should just realize
that this is a democracy, and that someday,
tomorrow will come and the people will
“Hey, sorry hen, wailing wailer. I see the
thing is paining you. For your information,
Baba will win again in 2019.”

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